this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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