FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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