I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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