I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
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I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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