he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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