Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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