My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I touched a dick in church today
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
