Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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