my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
