Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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