Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
