You kept calling me your small dog last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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