your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Randomize
