And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
