wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's Friday. Sex?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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