a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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