Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
