It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
