new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
