The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
