I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
