I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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