so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She announced her abortion via fbk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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