So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
