Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
