some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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