Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
