Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Life is so much better after having sex.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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