I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
