i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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