I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
