just tell him i said nine months
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
