I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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