Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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