So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
