Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I wear drunk well.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
