I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
