i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
