You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
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currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the liver wants what the liver wants
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That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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