i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
