We're like a lot better than the average bears
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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