The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
