The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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