Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
