it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
