I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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