There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
