She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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