I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.