my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
