I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
