I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Pooping to opera.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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