In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
