i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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