I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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